Friday, June 29, 2007

Lori Lori Bo Bori Banana Fana Fo Fori Fee Fi Fori Lori

Your real name

Your Star Wars name (first 3 letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name)

Your Iraqi name (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dad's middle name, 1st letter of a sibling's first name, and last letter of your grandpa's first name)

Your goth name (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Dot

Thanks, Black Meese, for sending this my way.

And it's still raining.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Needing Waterproof Everything

I'm just saying that if this rain sensitive billboard for mascara was in Oklahoma City, that poor woman would have nothing but black streaks down her cheeks.

No, actually, we've received so much rain in the last month that she wouldn't have one bit of mascara left to run!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Literal Translation

I adore Bono. And you know that Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little committed to wiping out AIDS and fortifying Africa.

He was recently playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in rapt attention, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence....

"Well, fukin' stop doin it then!"


Monday, June 25, 2007

Dot's Uncle is 8 Weeks Old

It is beyond my wildest imagination how someone can be so cruel as to dump unwanted puppies in the country. Special bad things happen to the person who does this.

But sometimes special good things can happen, too. Like you get a new family member!

Meet Jack. This little guy was put in an empty beer box and dumped by the side of the road near County Road 199 in Eastland, Texas. Dad found him yesterday morning. After a bath and some good food, he's officially a Holliday.

The cats are a little freaked because now the teams are tied - 2 dogs, 2 cats. And let's review... that's 2 cats dad rescued when they were just weeks old by jumping into the burning brush fire when they mewed, 1 14-year old dog they rescued from the craziness of two baby girls at my brother's house, and now an 8 week old puppy rescued from being dumped by the side of the road in a beer carton. When Dot and I visit - Dot, who was rescued from a cage in Brownwood - it's a menagerie for sure.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

I Wonder if He Liked Children of the Corn?

Scientific Methodthe principles and empirical process of discovery and demonstration considered characteristic of or necessary for scientific investigation, generally involving the observation of phenomena, the formulation of a hypothesis concerning the truth of the hypothesis, and a conclusion that validates or modifies the hypotheses.

So, after engaging in some exhaustive observation and scientific experimentation I have determined that my hypothesis was correct… my mailman is taking home and watching my Netflix movies that I’m trying to return in the mail.

When I return my movies via the mail at work or when I drop them in a blue mail box at the post office, the movies reach Netflix in one day. When I mail the movies from home and my mailman picks them up, they reach Netflix in five days on average. This has proven true time after time after time.

What should I do?


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Because You Asked So Nicely...

So I was driving home from work yesterday on I-44. I was in the middle lane, as is my usual lane of choice. I merged into the left lane to pass a slower car in front of me and increased my speed to pass, driving about 70 mph, which is definitely fast enough to warrant being in the left lane given the time of day and amount of traffic that was on the road.

I look in my rear-view mirror to watch a truck that had been a good 40 yards behind me ZOOM up and ride my bumper. He had one of those "MOVE OVER" stickers on his window. I became so instantly upset that I just lost my composure and slowed down. I realize this isn't something one should do when a jackass with road rage issues is on your back, but I slowed down until the car I was trying to pass drove past me and I merged back into the middle lane.

Mr. Move Over zoomed by, shaking his fist at me the whole time, and proceeded to speed up to intimidate the next driver in front of him. Because I had dared drive 70 mph in the left lane and not move over when he roared up behind me with his sticker demanding that I get out of the way, I was put in a dangerous situation. What if that jerk came roaring up behind a little old person who might have freaked out when they saw that "move over" sticker and hurled themselves into oncoming traffic to get out of the way?

Are those stickers even legal? Are they going to start some annoying trend of other message stickers for the front windshields that cars in front can read in their rear view mirror? Like "My Kid is an Honor Roll Student at Classen Elementary" or "Visualize Whirled Peas" or "My Other Car is a Bass Boat"?

I hope that Move Over bastard's truck blew up while he was inside after he had clutched his side from the excruciating pain caused when his appendix ruptured at just the moment he had hung up with his wife who had called to inform him that she had cleared out their bank account of all the money they had just won in the lottery and was en route to Mexico with her new lover who was way better than him in bed!

Yeah, I think that punishment totally fits the crime of road rudeness.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Voulez Vous Couchez Avec Moi, Ce Soir?

I was reading Carrie Coppernoll’s column in the Oklahoman the other day where she was writing about June being National Learn French month. You gotta love that. National Learn French month. Because Learning French is really important and it needs a month dedicated to its cause. Carrie thought it was important for us to take a moment and learn a few important French phrases in honor of our friends across the pond.

I totally agree, so here are some sentences we, as Oklahomans, may need to know.

Phrases you might hear spoken by French visitors to Oklahoma

Que signifiez-vous que je ne peut pas fumer dans le théâtre de film ?
What do you mean I can’t smoke in the movie theater?

Je ne peux pas croire que le dejeuner ne dure qu’une heure.
I can’t believe lunch only lasts one hour.

J’aurai besoin d’un chapeau de cowboy et des bottes avent de rentrer chez nous.
I will need a cowboy hat and matching boots before we go home.

Nous nous rendons.
We surrender.

Phrases you might want to say to French tourists visiting Oklahoma.

Le vignoble le plus proche est a une demi heure d’ici.
The nearest winery is half an hour from here.

Non, nous n’offrons pas de plat de fromage aux Cattleman’s.
No, we do not offer a cheese platter here at Cattleman’s.

J’ai achete le meme sac de Louis Vuitton a la boutique de destockage au Texas.
I bought that same Louis Vuitton bag at the outlet mall in Texas.

Je suis désolé que nous n'avons pas un bidet mais comment de. ... une douche ?
I’m sorry we don’t have a bidet, but how about…a shower?

Phrases Oklahomans may need to know when visiting France

Je voudrais la sauce de ranch avec mon repas, s’il vous plait.
I would like ranch dressing with my meal, please.

Deoderant. C'est différent que le parfum.
Deoderant. It’s different than perfume.

Mais je ne veux pas le vin rouge avec le petit déjeuner.
But I don’t want red wine with breakfast.

Soutenir du gars de mime!
Back off pantomime guy!

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Crazy is a Relative Term

I so want to take a Rorschach test. I am completely intrigued by the idea that what I see in an inkblot ultimately indicates my psychological make up. Can that really be true?

Because here's the rub. I've looked at this official from-the-actual-Rorschach-test inkblot for about five minutes and it looks like NOTHING to me.

And I consider myself pretty creative. I can make up novellas by shapes I see in the clouds. I see images in the tea leaves in the bottom of my cup! I'm the type of person who could see the Virgin Mary's outline on my burnt toast. But try as I might, I can't see anything in this drawing.

It just looks like a puddle of spilled ink. I tried to convince myself it looked like a mask, but a mask of what? Then I sort of tried to see two dogs looking in opposite directions, but then I realized that the blot actually looks nothing at all like dogs.





Friday, June 15, 2007

Friday's Letter

Dear NBA World Champion San Antonio Spurs,

Congratulations on your big win last night! You guys were so much fun to watch during this series and you deserved to sweep the tournament. The fact that you did it as a team was truly inspiring. Maybe you heard me cheering you on from my living room?

Tim Duncan, you epitomize grace and humility. You will go down as one of the games’ super stars of the ages, but you always put your team first, before your ego, and that is what truly makes you one of the greats. You are pure class.

Tony Parker, you totally deserve to be the series MVP. You had your game ON, dude, and I could just hear the French masses around the globe yelling “salut!” with their glasses held high in your honor.

Manu Ginobili, you absolutely MUST get an endorsement deal with Red Bull. Your energy, which borders on out-of-control crazed hysteria, is really fun to watch. And those free throws you made last night were important points. I wonder if Manu means “the Rocket” in Argentinean?

Robert Horry, if you wore all SEVEN of your championship rings at the same time you wouldn’t be able to lift your arms! Truthfully, now, doesn’t it feel better to win a ring with this bunch of guys than it did winning with those egotistical, self-serving, out-for-themselves, cry babies in L.A.?

Oh my gosh, David Robinson, it was so good seeing you, and when you hugged Tim I got a little teary. You are the man and I hope you are enjoying retirement – even though you’ve still got game!

Coach Popovich, you are obviously doing something right. Congratulations to you and all of the Spurs organizational brass for putting together a team of players that actually play like…a team.

San Antonio, I’ve always thought you were a cool town. I say town even though you are a big city, because you have that small town charm feeling that I like. Enjoy your team’s dynasty. You are great fans.

And I’m a great fan, too. Congratulations you guys. It’s teams like yours that make me love sports.


P.S. LeBron, don’t be too sad. You are an amazing player, but your team just wasn’t ready. You have a lot riding on your shoulders – like, your whole franchise - and you’re handling yourself so well given all that is expected of you. Keep up the good work, don’t become a jerk, and I suspect you will be sporting a championship ring, or two, yourself in the not-so-distant future.


Thursday, June 14, 2007

Remember folks, help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered!

I skipped school only once. Can you believe it? Only once. Nerd.

I skipped school only once when I was in either seventh or eighth grade and it wasn’t even so I could do anything cool like hang out on Mt. Helena with the other skippers or go to the mall.

It was so I could watch The Price is Right.

You know, I was a good student. Good grades, plenty of extra curricular activities, and since I had always been a super square rule-follower, it just never crossed my mind to consider skipping school. You went to school. That’s what you did.

But I woke up that freezing cold morning in Helena, Montana and I just knew in my heart that I could not go to school that day. I was seriously blue. I’m sure there was some sort of teen angst situation bringing me down that I can’t even remember now, but I recall laying there that morning thinking there was no way I could face a day at school. And the only thing that could possibly make me feel better was staying home from school and watching The Price is Right at 10:00.

I loved the Price is Right. Summer breaks were fun for about one million reasons, one of which was I could catch up on P is R, the best game show in the universe.

I probably should have just told my parents the truth that day – that I was just too blue to go to school – to see how they would have responded. I was a good kid; didn’t cause any trouble. Certainly they could give me one mental holiday. But I had a suspicion they probably wouldn’t understand, so I had to come up with Plan B.

I couldn’t lay in bed and fake sick because I wasn’t believable so I begrudgingly hauled myself into the shower where I hatched a beautiful plan that came to me in a moment of divine inspiration.

We lived in the country, about 15-20 miles outside of town, and we rode the bus to school every morning. There was a ton of snow on the ground and a good foot of fresh fallen made it hard to get around on our country road, so on her way to work, mom dropped me off at Kim’s bus stop, which was on the paved road so I could wait for the bus with her.

I knew Kim wouldn’t be down on the road yet because she was always late. So as mom drove off, I simply trudged through some snow and waited behind a giant pine tree away from the path a little bit. It was still sort of dark outside and eerily quiet, but after about 10 minutes, I heard Kim shuffling through the snow down the long path to the road. I watched her go by and said a silent “see you tomorrow” as she waited for the bus. It came about 3 minutes later and I was all alone, standing in a snow drift, hiding behind a tree.

All because I was blue and needed to watch The Price is Right or I might die.

The rub? I had to walk TWO MILES THROUGH THE SNOW DRIFTS to get back home. And because God wanted me to pay some sort of penance for my diabolical deceit, it started to snow heavily again. I was petrified that someone would drive by on that country road, see me and offer to take me to school. As guilty as I was feeling about this whole thing – remember, I was a good girl who ALWAYS played by the rules and fretted and obsessed about everything in life - this was some bold maneuvering.

But ultimately God must have understood that I really needed to watch Price is Right because he got me through the snow drifts and blizzard with my backpack in tow.

I still remember how weird it felt to be wandering around at home when I knew I should be at school. Slightly liberating. Slightly panicky. Because getting caught would mean I’d never get into a good college and my whole life would be destroyed, right?

But when 10:00 rolled around and I snuggled up to the TV with my cup of hot chocolate everything felt better. There was my guy – Bob Barker – waiting on the stage as Rod Roddy told those crazy people to “Come on down” because they were the next contestants on the Price is Right.

The coolest thing of all? Unbeknownst to me, this was one of the few episodes in the show’s history where EVERY SINGLE PRIZE FOR EVERY SINGLE SHOWCASE WAS A NEW CAR! You remember how it went. In the first half of the show the prizes were usually a Lazy Boy recliner, a washer/dryer set, and then the car. Then the same types of prizes in the second half. It was unbelievable when Bob kept giving everyone cars.

Whether it was check writing game, or the golf putting game or that ridiculous yodeling mountain climber game, people kept winning cars. Totally awesome. I don’t remember much about the showcase showdown at the end, other than it was all cars and RVs and campers and boats. Pretty cool.

I felt better after the Price is Right. I proceeded to watch Family Feud, the $25,000 Pyramid and Scrabble. I threw in a little Hogan’s Heroes and I Love Lucy and topped it all off with some General Hospital.

I remember feeling pretty guilty that evening, but I knew in my heart that I hadn’t missed much at school that couldn’t be made up, and I had been fortified to carry on by Chuck Woolery, Luke and Laura, and most of all, Bob Barker.

You’d have to be living in cave to not know that Bob has retired from the Price is Right and the last episode with him as host airs tomorrow. For 83 and with snow white hair, the guy looks amazingly like he always has. I must admit I feel a twinge of sadness that he’s hanging up his mic. While I haven’t watched the Price is Right in over twenty years, I will miss knowing that Bob Barker is dodging crazed women wanting to kiss him when they get on stage, telling us that the closest bid without going over is the winner, and encouraging everyone to control the pet population.

The real question is, should I skip work tomorrow and watch the final episode for old time’s sake?

A post script:

Here's a clip of one of the greatest moments in Price is Right history. Rigged? Probably. Awesome nonetheless? Absolutely!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Sweet Jesus

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Looking Up


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

If It's Not True, It Ought to Be

A headline from Monday’s news made me remember this story. One of those stories that make me snort laughter when I think about it. Not only because it’s funny, which it is, but because it brings up memories of living with Beth during the summer of 1998 when we were goddesses on Alegria. We told story after story every night while sitting on her porch drinking club soda and wine and trying to stay cool. And nobody…nobody…tells a story like Beth when she’s on a roll.

Beth was a television news reporter in Little Rock, Arkansas circa 1990, her first job out of college. Before she was assigned to cover politics, and a certain Governor Clinton, she was assigned more local-interest type stories.

So it’s a SLOW day in the newsroom when she gets a call from an absolutely hysterical woman who is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.


Beth is pretty alarmed and tries to get a word in to ask her what’s wrong.


Blink….blink, blink…blink…


Beth said she can hear hollering and kids screaming MAMA, IT’S A DRAGON! IT’S GONNA EAT US in the background.

Beth yells at the woman to call 911 who says she has but they hadn’t yet responded. No doubt because this woman sounded like a raving lunatic. Somehow the lady thought to call the local TV station and was put through to Beth.

Beth gets the address and grabs her cameraman and they head out in the station van to a very rural, isolated part of the countryside way outside of Little Rock, figuring that this was a prank. But it was a slow news day so it gave them something to do. The drive was one of those deals where they had to turn right at the red barn, then left when they see the hay stack in the field, kind of thing, but they somehow find their way and eventually drove up to this ramshackle double wide in the middle of nowhere.

When they step out Beth can hear the screaming inside. She and her camera man slowly start to walk up and all of a sudden the door swings open and the hysterical woman tells them to GET IN HERE FAST, THE DRAGON IS AROUND BACK TRYING TO GET IN THE BACK DOOR!

So Beth in her little skirt suit, hose and heels goes hot footing it across the gravel and she and her camera man jump inside where chaos is in full swing. She said there were about six children, all under the age of 10, just wailing and clinging to their mother. Beth finally peers around the cluster of people and looks outside the sliding glass door going out of the kitchen onto the back yard.

She said she jumped back and screamed “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?” She was looking at a gigantic 10 foot long…dragon.

Her language sort of stunned all the little kids quiet. You just have to know Beth and watch her reenactment to know how funny this is. While she didn’t admit it, I think her second reaction was probably to throw one of those little children out in the backyard to act as a decoy so that she could safely bolt out of there, back to the van.

But the camera started rolling and Beth is trying to collect herself and report on the story, but she keeps getting distracted by crazy wailing kids and the fact that there is a mean looking alien animal 3 feet away from her that might possibly be capable of breathing fire. She calls someone from her station, explains the situation and tells them to send out animal control.

While waiting for help, Beth tries to check the thing out – its giant tongue was flicking on the glass, and she swears it was is 6 feet long and a foot and a half tall. It looked like a Komodo dragon, but it was the type of giant lizard that had one of those collars that flares up around its head when it is defensive. That collar thing was in full flare, it’s big tail was curled up and it looked mighty menacing.

So animal control shows up and the same scenario ensues with them dashing into the double wide, then not believing their eyes. They don’t know what to do about it, so they call the zoo, which sends people out and they go through the same thing of rushing in, only to stare. The zoo then called the wildlife department and the same scenario played out. Beth said that by the end of it, there were about 30 people all jammed into this ramshackle trailer with everyone yelling and screaming and not having a clue what to do. The owner of the house kept shouting SHOOT IT! JUST SHOOT IT!

Finally, someone takes control and they decide to shoot it with a tranquilizer and then this whole funny scenario ensues about how they picked the person that was going to have to go around back and do the shooting while 30 faces are pressed up against every window on that side of the double wide watching in horror.

I think the brave soul with the tranq gun got in a pick up truck at the front of the house and drove around back and shot it out the window, then peeled away when the dragon ran towards him before the drug took affect.

I don’t remember where it went from there but the zoo ultimately carted the beast away for observation. And Beth got her story.

When she got back to civilization, Beth researched the history of that area and discovered that the University of Arkansas used to have a biological/zoological research center near there that had long since been shut down. She figured that maybe the animal escaped or had been let go from that place, which had been closed for 20 years, and had been living in the Arkansas jungle all this time until it stumbled up onto the double wide.

There are a couple of Beth’s stories from her reporting days that get me laughing hard. This one, the one where a Slavic band of gypsies slaughtered and roasted a goat at a local Motel 6, the time she went with the DEA to report on a drug trafficking story on the border and ended up in a Mexican jail, and of course when she was an embedded reporter in Saudi Arabia for six weeks during Desert Storm.

Is it any wonder she eventually chose the relative safety of public television? The most dangerous thing Beth had to worry about there was avoiding being goosed by the pervy, old donor, and surviving the waitress at the Hole in the Wall (our lunch hot spot) who used to ball her out for being a bad tipper.

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Good Vibrations

Yesterday was a beautiful early summer day. Sunny and hot. But not too hot. Just the way I'd like all summer days to be.

In the line ahead of me at Target were three truly gorgeous tall, buff firefighters, in uniform, buying a volleyball, suntan lotion and Gatorade. I shivered a little bit at the sight.

I wondered if they were equally impressed with my cart holding a bottle of glucosomine, a heating pad and tampons. Hott.

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Sunday, June 03, 2007

Things Got Bad, He Got Mad

I know. It's so wrong. But it feels so right.

Beth lives in Baton Rouge and works there, and in New Orleans. She sent me this "Da Mayor in Your Pocket" key chain to remind me of some of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagan's very special quotes after Katrina. Katrina pretty much rocked all of us to our core, so I give the man credit for resorting only to verbal outrage...I would have been curled up in the fetal position under my desk. But dude unleashed and I will never forget hearing him those first few times.

Push the buttons on the Da Mayor in Your Pocket key chain and you can hear, in Mayor Nagan's own voice, his quotes from that now famous early press conference:







I think I've pushed #5 about 100 times now.

I guess this is why I have always loved New Orleans so much. They don't let much keep them down and they've figured out that their greatest marketing assets are their food, their music and THEIR PEOPLE.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I'll Wonder Where They Are Now When I'm 80

OMG, these guys - and graduating from high school - made 1985 SO AWESOME!

I mean really, what child of the '80s hasn't played the which-Breakfast-Club-character-were-you game? And probably played it within the last year because you will always play it for the rest of your life.

I love you guys, almost as much as I loved Tom Cruise in Top Gun. And that was a lot of love.