Sunday, August 26, 2007

Third Time's a Charm

This has been quite a week. I've laughed. I've cried. I've exercised harder than I have in months. I've felt pride. I've felt total exasperation. I've been bathed in unconditional love.

All because of the the menagerie staying at my house.

My parents have been on vacation and I'm keeping their animals - Jody, the 14-year old dog who is the smartest on the planet, and Ashes and Cinder, the 3-year old cats who, combined, have cashed in three quarters of their nine lives. Their newest addition Jack, the puppy, stayed with another friend of theirs because that little bugger is a chewer and needs more space than my 1,000 sqft home can provide.

Dot likes to have visitors, but it throws her off of her routine, which, in a way, led to her ending up at the vet hospital. Because I've found it's always best to throw some drama into a crazy week.

Drama? Did I say drama?

So I got out of the shower the other morning and am standing in front of the bathroom mirror finishing my toilette. It's at this point that I need to let you know that I am blind as a bat without my contacts or glasses. Seriously, blind.

As I'm brushing my teeth, sans contacts or glasses, I "see" in the mirror - the mirror that reflects what's going on in my guest bedroom because I had that door open - one of the cats sitting on the bed. And I see the other cat sitting outside in the yard.

It took a minute for that to register.


I immediately panic, as I'm wont to do. Mainly because images of Ashes trudging through 6' snow drifts in Breckenridge, Colorado FOR 8 MONTHS immediately ran through my mind. I think I've told you before about Ashes managing to get out when the folks were in Colorado. They searched and searched and searched for that guy. One of the biggest snow-fall winters on record came and went. They lost hope. But I'll be darned if, through a series of comical events, they found that dude almost eight months later. He'd been living in the dump all winter. That's when Ashes became Trashes. Miracle.

So I'm standing in the bathroom naked, mouth full of toothpaste frantically looking for my glasses, which of course I cant' find. All the time I'm talking out loud trying to figure out what happened. "Did he run past me when I came in with the dogs this morning?" "Did he squeeze through an open window somewhere?" "How long has he been out there?"

Blind as a bat, I grabbed the first thing I could find to put on - my nightgown that is strapless and too big, so I'm constantly having to keep my girls in place, if you know what I mean. I didn't even think about it. I just threw it on, barely spit the toothpaste out of my mouth and, with my girls coming out of my gown, ran barefooted outside, around back, just hoping that little beast would not bolt when I tried to get him.

With my nightgown falling down around me, I quietly approach the black blob I barely make out to be the cat, and I was relieved when he let me bend down and pick him up. Ahhh, such relief. I was flooded with sweet, sweet relief. Because Ashes and Cinder look so much alike, one of the few things that sets them apart is the color of the tip of their nose. I had "white nose" kitty, which is Ashes/Trashes. I was really thanking the universe that I didn't manage to let him loose on nature a second time in his life.

I get in, drop the little guy down, and feeling quite pumped and proud of myself continue my morning routine. At some point, maybe 20 minutes later, I make my way from my bedroom to the kitchen, pour my first cup of coffee, grab the paper and go sit at the kitchen table for a few minutes of reading before heading to work. By now my contacts are in and the world is clear around me.

Until I finally look over into the living room and have to blink twice. Because I see three cats laying just as serenely as can be on the couch.


A feeling washes over me that I can't really describe. Disbelief. Confusion. Anxiety. Stupidity. Dread. I figured out pretty quickly that there was a stranger in our midst. And I had called him kitty, picked him up in my arms and brought him in to join the party. And there he was, just has happy as a clam, sitting on the couch with the other two blighters, who were looking a little bit smug, I must say.

I mean, shouldn't my animals have fussed or mewed or barked or somehow found a way to say, "Hey! Heads up! Strange cat in the house!"? Oh no, they just shrugged and went on with their licking and lounging. I guess they are used to strays being added to the mix.

When I went over to the couch, all three cats just looked up at me sweet as you could please. I cannot adequately describe how closely they all resembled each other, but I could tell which one was the interloper now that my sight had been restored. And as easy as I brought him in, I carried him out. Feeling like a true idiot.

I PROMISE YOU, Ashes and Cinder have been smugly laughing at me and making fun of me behind my back ever since. Each morning since then, the missing triplet cat will lay outside the bedroom, while Ashes and Cinder look longingly out at him. Then they will all look at me and have a little chuckle amongst themselves.

I regret not taking a a picture when they were all on the couch. But I didn't have my wits about me and I was agitated, so regretably I didn't think about it. But to prove I'm dumb - BUT NOT CRAZY - here are a few (bad) pics I took the next day when our friend returned to the backyard.

And this is why I'm a dog person.

And why I'm scheduling my Lasik eye surgery.


Friday, August 24, 2007

Because It's Fall Fashion Week and I'm On a Tirade

Louis Vuitton describes this handbag as "this year's ultimate status bag". The patchwork handbag "easily overshadows the competition in originality, style and class."
Yours for only $52,500.
Dear Owners of This Year's Ultimate Status Bag,
Please consider selling your classy bag and using that $52,500 to fund a kid-in-need's college education. You'll feel so much better and you won't have to worry about buying matching shoes. It will feel good, I promise."
I'm just saying...

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Fashion Faux Pas

From Today's Fall Fashion Preview in the New York Times:

This outfit is the hot new thing and consists of a Lanvin zip-up silk blouse, $1,090, and Alexander Wang wide-leg herringbone pants, $585, both at Barneys New York. Karen Walker leather belt, $132 at Mick Margo; LaCrasia leather gloves, $200; Patricia Von Musulin hand-carved ebony ring, $825 at Takashimaya; Kelly Christy felt fedora, $300 to order from; ChloƩ leather satchel, $2,595 at ChloƩ.

For a grand total of $5,727.

Because I'm worth it.

Or, NOT!

I love fashion. And I believe in wearing what makes you feel good. But $5,727 for an outfit? Really?

Because that would make me feel down-right ugly.

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Monday, August 20, 2007

The Fate of the Camel is Not Known

Oh, the horror. And I'm filing this story under "Dear Lord, I'd Rather Not Go Out Like This".


Posted: 2007-08-19 20:18:43

(Aug. 19) - An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present, police said Sunday. The woman, whose name has not been released, was killed Saturday at her family sheep and cattle ranch near Mitchell, 350 miles west of the Queensland state capital Brisbane, state police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory said.

The 10-month-old male - weighing about 330 pounds - had knocked her to the ground then lay on top of her in what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said. Camel expert Chris Hill agreed with Gregory.

Hill, who has offered camel rides to tourists for 20 years, said young camels are not aggressive but can be dangerous if treated as pets without discipline. The woman was given the hand-reared camel in March as a birthday present from her husband and daughter.

The fate of the camel is not known.

An autopsy of the woman will determine the precise cause of death within days.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
2007-08-19 20:18:43


Saturday, August 11, 2007

They're Right Next to Dorothy and the Scarecrow

According to Frommer's travel guide, the #1 question most frequently posed by visitors to Atlanta is, "Where are Scarlett and Rhett Buried?"

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

Separated At Birth