Masthead

Friday, November 30, 2007

Distant Memories

I am in love with Charlie.

Charlie is a coyote and you can meet him at www.dailycoyote.blogspot.com. If you read Dooce, you probably have already met Charlie because that's where I discovered him, too.

There is something so sweet and simple about imagining what life for Charlie and his human friend must be like living in that log cabin in Wyoming. I could look at those pictures for hours.

One of my longest held fantasies has been a desire to live in the mountainous wild, somewhere, in the middle of nowhere. Since I've been super young I've pictured myself in that scene. And that's the beauty of a fantasy - because in reality? There's nooooooo way - I'd be dead in a week. (Or...would I rise to the challenge, find inspiration in the sunrise, chop wood, haul water and learn to hunt like Aila?)

When I was very, very little - so young that I don't actually remember this clearly - my dad brought home some coyote pups. We have pictures of them, so I sometimes don't know if I'm remembering the real coyotes or if I'm remembering seeing them in the pictures. Dad worked for Montana State Parks and Wildlife and he brought other things home, too. Animals that needed some care or attention of some sort. The twin bear cubs were my favorite.

I remember Susie the rabbit. I remember her clearly because she would let us hold and pet her. We had a rabbit cage out in the backyard and I could give her lettuce and carrots and little pellets of food. One day Susie wasn't there and I was told she had hopped away during the night. I was sad. Believed for years that I might have been the one who left the hatch open - even though mom and dad assured me that wasn't that case at all. When I was an adult they told me that Susie had actually died one night in her pen.

Nothing very funny or poignant about these rambling thoughts. They're just the kind of memories that waft over and around you like a haze, brought vaguely back to life by looking at sweet pictures of little Charlie the Coyote.

P.S. I'm just kidding about the bear cubs. But DANG wouldn't that have been awesome? Oh, and when you come to visit me in my log cabin in the Bitterroots, please bring some coffee beans, sugar and the latest issue of Vanity Fair. Thank you kindly.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Got Fleur-de-lis?

Guess where I spent Thanksgiving?














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Monday, November 19, 2007

A Picture Is Worth a Thou... $4.99

When will I learn?

When will I learn that MARKETING is spin. It's trickery and seducery and mockery. It's the work of evil whose goal is to separate you from your money.

But DANG marketing works and I fall for it every time.

The packaging on this little disposal Halloween camera said that I wouldn't believe my eyes! It said I could scare my friends and make them believe the unbelievable! It said I would be popular at parties.

It said that when developed, a GHOST would appear on each photo.

How cool is that? 27 shots of Halloween fun that would be sure to please. I could see the blog entries in my mind.

Here's my $4.99 - GIVE ME THAT CAMERA.

What a rip off.

Check this shot out. The scariest part of the whole picture is Dot's red eye and my Grease album from the fifth grade sitting in the background by the chair (ask me...just ask me). If you look oh so closely over by the ottoman you'll see a woman's face peering from behind.

Um, not scary.



And this one? It looks like Dot and skeleton head are posing for a candid in the "as seen about town" section of the paper...


OOOOOOOO..... I have a ghost that looks like an over-exposed spot in front of my house...



This one? You've got to work at it, but if you look closely, you'll see that La-La is pawing at a screaming man's face. In theory, this one could be funny. In practicum? Totally lame.



And the best ghost shot of all? MY PICTURE DIDN'T EVEN APPEAR!


What a gip. Almost as disappointing as the thigh buster that broke the FIRST TIME I SQUEEZED MY LEGS TOGETHER and that blackhead remover I bought from an ad in the back of Archie Digest.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Soundtrack of My Life Would Win a Grammy

And speaking of iPods...

I think we can all agree that the iPod is, without a doubt, the single greatest and most important invention of all time. I am in love with my iPod. I plan on marrying it.

Second greatest invention of all time - the iTunes store. Dude, you can buy any single song in the universe for .99. I mean, how awesome is that? Never again will I have to buy the whole stupid CD just for that one song.

But I had to come to grips with the fact that the iPod doesn't lie. It gives you exactly what you've given it. Your soul is laid bare for all who scroll through your music collection while you're in the bathroom. They're going to see the inner workings of your mind, and that can be a scary thing.

I haven't yet figured out their system, but every so often iTunes emails me a summary of the music I've purchased. I got that email today and it was humbling.

I had to take a moment to collect myself when I realized that I am, truly, the weirdest person I know.

Because the last 5 songs I've purchased have been:

1. Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
2. Delta Dawn - Helen Reddy
3. She Bangs - Ricky Martin
4. Kiss - Prince
5. The Bare Necessities - Jungle Book

Truth? I'd be hard pressed to tell you which of those songs I like the best because THEY ARE ALL GREAT.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

He's Making a List and Checking It Twice...Actually, He Completely Forgot to Consult the List

I was at Big Lots on Saturday, and even though I LOVE the Big Lots I was so tired that I thought I was going to drop. I had no energy and thought I might have to lay down and take a nap as I was waiting in the check out line.

However, this conversation between the normal looking couple in line ahead of me woke me up. And everyone else within a 100 foot radius.

It started out simple enough, in nice, normal tones...

Her: I can't believe how well we've done today with our Christmas shopping. We're never ahead of the game like we are this year.

Him: I know. I even finished getting Michael's stuff this morning.

Her: That's great. Where did you get the iPod?

Him: Oh, I decided against the iPod. I got him a shotgun instead.

Her: ...

Him: Hello?

Her: ...

Him: Jill?

Her: You got him a what?

Him: A shotgun.

Her: ...

Him: Jill, I really think he'll...

Her: You got him a shotgun? A shotgun? When we had decided on an iPod?

Him: Well, yeah, I just think he'll...

Her: Get out.

Him: What?

Her: Get out.

Him: What do you mean get out?

Her: Get out of my sight. Right. Now.

Him: Get out of your sight? Why? What's going on?

Her: Get out.

The poor guy could not have been more confused at that moment...

Him: We're in a store.

And as much as she had been trying to contain herself, poor Jill absolutely lost her shit and yelled so loudly that spittle was shooting out of her mouth and a little girl in line in back of me started to cry.

Her: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT RIGHT THIS MINUTE YOU BIG LIAR HOW DARE YOU GET HIM A SHOTGUN WE HAD AGREED ON AN IPOD GET OF MY SIGHT RIGHT NOW AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME YOU AND IF YOU EVER THINK THAT I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU WITH THE CHRISTMAS LIST AGAIN YOU ARE WRONG HE IS TOO YOUNG FOR A SHOTGUN AND HE WILL KILL THE DOG YOU SON OF A BITCH GET OUT, GET OUT.....GET....OUT!

Of course I almost spit my gum out when I inadvertently choked a laugh at the "he will kill the dog" line. But come on, that was funny.

Looking stunned, as if he had just been blasted by said shotgun...

Him: Uh, okay then. We'll talk about it later.

Her: LIKE HELL GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

Taking matters into her own hands, Jill shoved by everyone and steamed out the front door and we all watched her get in her car and tear off. The guy couldn't have looked more sheepish and confused as he looked at all of us and then silently walked out the door and just sort of stood there looking around.

Needless to say, I was then wide awake and the entire check out line was a twitter with excited commentary on the battle shotgun that had just gone down in front of us all.

I finally paid for my napkins and 2 serving trays. When I walked outside the guy was still standing there now fiddling with his cell phone. I didn't have a clue what to say so I just tucked my head and walked on but I heard the guy who had been behind me in line come out and say something ridiculous like, "you're really in the dog house now, huh?"

Yeah, in the dog house...with the dog whose life is now in jeopardy... Dude, you just should have stuck with the plan.

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Trick or Treat


Laa-Laa is yellow and the second youngest Teletubby. She is the happiest and most smiley of the Teletubbies. She loves to dance and sing. Her favorite word is "nice". Laa-Laa loves the way her ball bounces. She always wants to know where the teletubbies are. She has her own special La-la-la-la-la song.

OMG, Dot was DEFINITELY not the happiest and most smiley of the teletubbies on Halloween!She hated wearing the LaLa Halloween hat almost as much as she hated wearing the Santa Hat.


Grump.

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