Masthead

Sunday, November 11, 2007

He's Making a List and Checking It Twice...Actually, He Completely Forgot to Consult the List

I was at Big Lots on Saturday, and even though I LOVE the Big Lots I was so tired that I thought I was going to drop. I had no energy and thought I might have to lay down and take a nap as I was waiting in the check out line.

However, this conversation between the normal looking couple in line ahead of me woke me up. And everyone else within a 100 foot radius.

It started out simple enough, in nice, normal tones...

Her: I can't believe how well we've done today with our Christmas shopping. We're never ahead of the game like we are this year.

Him: I know. I even finished getting Michael's stuff this morning.

Her: That's great. Where did you get the iPod?

Him: Oh, I decided against the iPod. I got him a shotgun instead.

Her: ...

Him: Hello?

Her: ...

Him: Jill?

Her: You got him a what?

Him: A shotgun.

Her: ...

Him: Jill, I really think he'll...

Her: You got him a shotgun? A shotgun? When we had decided on an iPod?

Him: Well, yeah, I just think he'll...

Her: Get out.

Him: What?

Her: Get out.

Him: What do you mean get out?

Her: Get out of my sight. Right. Now.

Him: Get out of your sight? Why? What's going on?

Her: Get out.

The poor guy could not have been more confused at that moment...

Him: We're in a store.

And as much as she had been trying to contain herself, poor Jill absolutely lost her shit and yelled so loudly that spittle was shooting out of her mouth and a little girl in line in back of me started to cry.

Her: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT RIGHT THIS MINUTE YOU BIG LIAR HOW DARE YOU GET HIM A SHOTGUN WE HAD AGREED ON AN IPOD GET OF MY SIGHT RIGHT NOW AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME YOU AND IF YOU EVER THINK THAT I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU WITH THE CHRISTMAS LIST AGAIN YOU ARE WRONG HE IS TOO YOUNG FOR A SHOTGUN AND HE WILL KILL THE DOG YOU SON OF A BITCH GET OUT, GET OUT.....GET....OUT!

Of course I almost spit my gum out when I inadvertently choked a laugh at the "he will kill the dog" line. But come on, that was funny.

Looking stunned, as if he had just been blasted by said shotgun...

Him: Uh, okay then. We'll talk about it later.

Her: LIKE HELL GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

Taking matters into her own hands, Jill shoved by everyone and steamed out the front door and we all watched her get in her car and tear off. The guy couldn't have looked more sheepish and confused as he looked at all of us and then silently walked out the door and just sort of stood there looking around.

Needless to say, I was then wide awake and the entire check out line was a twitter with excited commentary on the battle shotgun that had just gone down in front of us all.

I finally paid for my napkins and 2 serving trays. When I walked outside the guy was still standing there now fiddling with his cell phone. I didn't have a clue what to say so I just tucked my head and walked on but I heard the guy who had been behind me in line come out and say something ridiculous like, "you're really in the dog house now, huh?"

Yeah, in the dog house...with the dog whose life is now in jeopardy... Dude, you just should have stuck with the plan.

Labels: ,

2 Comments:

  • At 11/17/2007 , Blogger eonyc said...

    Awesome.

     
  • At 11/29/2007 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Your true life experience has made me laugh until I cried. All I can say for "him" is, what a dolt!
    Thank you for sharing this experience. I am sure I will hold this as one of my favorite holiday stories for many years to come.

     

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home